Every year, my liberal wife throws an Oscar party for our pinko friends.
With Oscar picks in hand, they watch the Academy Awards like drunken crowds watch all-star wrestling matches. At least our guests bring great food.
As a conservative, I couldn’t care less about Hollywood’s narcissists as they drone on about their self-indulgent crafts when they scamper to the stage.
But I do care about my Oscar picks – now that I’ve cracked the liberal code.
First, I pick the Oscar candidates that have a decent shot at winning. Then, I apply my theory: picking the candidates which are the most anti-American, pro-gay, anti-Christian, pro-socialist, anti-military, pro-liberal, anti-Republican and pro-environmentalist.
The only exception to the first step, research, was Al Gore, who won two Oscars in 2007 for his science fiction feat of An Inconvenient Truth. That year, I saw his name on the ballot twice and, without doing any research, accurately picked him to win Best Documentary Feature and Best Original Score.
My 2012 Oscar picks:
Best Picture: “The Help.” Has the 1960s and race relations.
Best Director: Alexander Payne, “The Descendants.” I actually saw this movie. Feature lefty George Clooney in an eco-nut plot.
Best Actor: George Clooney. He’s an eco-nut.
Best Actress: Meryl Streep, “The Iron Lady.” Movie features a conservative Margaret Thatcher with dementia.
Best Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer, “Beginners.” An old guy who comes out of the closet. Nothing could make Hollywood happier.
Best Supporting Actress: Janet McTeer, “Albert Nobbs.” Ugly
lesbians. Enough said.
Best Animated Feature Film: “Rango.” I couldn’t detect any
political themes. I’m guessing.
Best Foreign Film: “A Separation.” Women being victims.
Best Original Screenplay. “Midnight in Paris.” I’m
abandoning my theory on this one and going with Woody Allen; he may be a perv, but I love his movies.
Best Adapted Screenplay: “The Descendants.” Portrays
developers as evil.
Best Art Direction: “The Artist.” It’s about Hollywood. The
narcissists will love it.
Best Original Song: “Man or Muppet.” No idea why this pick except that I like the Muppets.
Best Original Score: “The Artist.” Hollywood and its egos.
Best Documentary: “If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front.” I’m picking on name alone.
Best Documentary (Short): The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement.” I’m picking on name alone.
Best Cinematography: “War Horse.” Actually, a horse was a great way to document World War I, a war with too few good movies.
Best Film Editing: “The Descendants.” Eco-nuts in Hawaii.
Best Makup: “The Iron Lady.”
Best Sound Mixing: “War Horse.” I love the movie, which means it will lose.
Best Short Film (Animated): “La Luna.” Something about illegal aliens.
Best Short Film (Live Action): “Pentecost.” Title makes it seem like it’s making fun of Christians. I couldn’t find anything on line about this, so I’m going on title alone.
I have never put much faith in the Oscars telling us about the best movies since “Saving Private Ryan,” possibly the greatest war movie ever, lost in 1998 to “Shakespeare in Love,” a movie so boring that I turned it off 10 minutes into the DVD.
But I do put some faith into my theory. I have used it every year and I have come close to winning several times – actually succeeding once.
That year – 2006 I think – I got my name on our trophy which rotates among the winners each year. That year, I dedicated the trophy to Ronald Reagan, who shows that even nutcase Hollywood can produce a great American.
If I win this year, I’m going to dedicate the trophy to Jimmy Stewart, an actor and patriot who served his country back when Hollywood considered that politically correct.